I've never been so grateful as when the look-out announced the sight of land. Or so embarassed as when, shortly thereafter, I tried to walk on that land. And there, again, was Cavan, the half-elf I mentioned before. Handsome as ever, and just as steady on his feet.
Something in me just snapped while that Gallion fellow was explaining the quest he wants us to go on. I suddenly realized just how much easier my life would be... if I didn't have to spend every waking moment worrying that I would fail this quest. I still would protect Tillyr, of course, out of loyalty and affection--she is my dearest friend here, and her innocence and kindness would be all that was required to make her worthy of protection even if she weren't. But a large part of me begs to be released from these bonds, this tether of duty. I have sworn my allegiance, certainly, and I would never break that oath, but this quest is insanity.
I love Caolte... or I thought I did. I don't know anymore. All this time, I longed for nothing more than to return to him. But now, I see as never before how long this will truly take. Tillyr needs at least a year to explore our land, and the time grows ever longer as we get dragged off into side-quests and strange journeys. Who is to say that Caolte is truly waiting for me? How can I know? And when I return, who is to say that Riordan will give in? What would stop him from agreeing that I did very well, and then sending me out on yet another hopeless mission, all the while using his influence to convince Caolte into a more acceptable marriage. He may not even have a lot of convincing to do, with me so far away. Hell, I couldn't even blame Caolte for his lack of loyalty, now that I've spoken to Cavan.
I told him everything. The way I feel toward him, my past with Caolte back home... and he is coming with us on our quest. For his own reasons, of course, and we've discussed the fact that I have no idea where my mind will take me. Part of me cannot imagine breaking my loyalty to Caolte, but the rest of me longs so much to just find happiness where it comes. How can I know my heart when I can judge neither against the other fairly? Cavan is here, so near and solid. Always Caolte has seemed like a dream, and more so now that he is far away. Now I wonder whether to forsake that glowing vision for clear reality, and I find that both are almost equally appealing.
Posted by niamh_nightwind at March 30, 2003 01:17 PM