I've never been so grateful as when the look-out announced the sight of land. Or so embarassed as when, shortly thereafter, I tried to walk on that land. And there, again, was Cavan, the half-elf I mentioned before. Handsome as ever, and just as steady on his feet.
Something in me just snapped while that Gallion fellow was explaining the quest he wants us to go on. I suddenly realized just how much easier my life would be... if I didn't have to spend every waking moment worrying that I would fail this quest. I still would protect Tillyr, of course, out of loyalty and affection--she is my dearest friend here, and her innocence and kindness would be all that was required to make her worthy of protection even if she weren't. But a large part of me begs to be released from these bonds, this tether of duty. I have sworn my allegiance, certainly, and I would never break that oath, but this quest is insanity.
I love Caolte... or I thought I did. I don't know anymore. All this time, I longed for nothing more than to return to him. But now, I see as never before how long this will truly take. Tillyr needs at least a year to explore our land, and the time grows ever longer as we get dragged off into side-quests and strange journeys. Who is to say that Caolte is truly waiting for me? How can I know? And when I return, who is to say that Riordan will give in? What would stop him from agreeing that I did very well, and then sending me out on yet another hopeless mission, all the while using his influence to convince Caolte into a more acceptable marriage. He may not even have a lot of convincing to do, with me so far away. Hell, I couldn't even blame Caolte for his lack of loyalty, now that I've spoken to Cavan.
I told him everything. The way I feel toward him, my past with Caolte back home... and he is coming with us on our quest. For his own reasons, of course, and we've discussed the fact that I have no idea where my mind will take me. Part of me cannot imagine breaking my loyalty to Caolte, but the rest of me longs so much to just find happiness where it comes. How can I know my heart when I can judge neither against the other fairly? Cavan is here, so near and solid. Always Caolte has seemed like a dream, and more so now that he is far away. Now I wonder whether to forsake that glowing vision for clear reality, and I find that both are almost equally appealing.
Day four aboard the ship. I had always imagined boats as very comfortable, hearing stories of the gentle rocking and lapping of the waves. These tales are entirely false. My stomach hasn't settled since we set foot on this damned thing, and I foresee a very dark journey ahead of us.
I pray to the stars that I survive this damned trip. That's all I care about right now.
Off to the side of the boat again--seeing the sky and feeling the wind makes me feel a bit less sick. Mustn't keep Jovvi waiting--she has been very kind these last few days, always willing to support and comfort me.
The half-elf friend of Renn's is still around--I saw him yesterday. It breaks my heart to see his hair; it reminds me so much of Caolte. A very handsome fellow. Not that it matters. Not really. But I would never have imagined how my heart would ache for touch, for fire in someone's eyes, after only a few months since the last time I saw Caolte.
Everyone fighting.
Renn has freed our hands, and worked out a deal (supposedly) wherein his "employer" will give us safe passage back across the ocean... in return for the last piece of the ruby. Fine by me, but unfortunately not for Jovvi or Jaer (AKA lizard-elf-thing, who has now miraculously re-appeared). This would be bad enough, but Renn and Tavis are also fighting. Nothing unusual there, at least.
And Tillyr is still being held separately from the rest of us. Renn and I went to see her, and she's perfectly happy and comfortable (and happily tormenting some poor human guard with questions). The man in charge here said that his master needed just a few drops of her blood. Renn says we can trust him because he can't lie. I pointed out that his master might have lied to him, but Renn and I decided not to share these thoughts with the others, considering the state the group is already in. I hope we've made the right decision in that.
It's true that Renn has lied to us a few times, but my instincts tell me to trust him now, and where would I be without those? So I'm stuck. Hopefully Jovvi will give up her pride and hand the thing over peacefully, and we can end all of this. I'm eager to put all of this behind me... and return to the seemingly interminable quest to usher Tillyr around the world. Riordan will have to give in then, won't he, if I'm successful? And Caolte will have waited, certainly, and we shall be happy together when all of this is finished.
These things that once were the basis of my every dream... why is it that suddenly they seem so pale and uncertain?